this has got to be one of my favorite pictures, and it saddened me because i couldn’t picture it for myself.

i was looking through random folders on my laptop and came across this photo i took my freshmen year at the arb. i remember looking at this picture in the past and always feeling a bit somber. i never took the time to really ask myself why i felt this way. i guess the fear of uncovering my unconscious stream of emotions was too much, until today.

my whole life, i grew up staggering on expectations after expectations on my dad only to be hurt by his “shortcomings.” i defined a good father-daughter relationship through movies and stories i heard from friends who seemed to have the perfect relationship with their fathers taking them out to shop and have dates. a perfect relationship that i did not obviously have and craved to build. and so looking at this picture, melancholy presided over me because i could not replicate that pose for my dad and me.

but one thing i learned this thanksgiving break was that my dad IS my dad (if that made any sense). that we do have a working, never perfect, father-daughter relationship. i was just too blind and carried away by the world’s standard of what it should be like. i was moved and blessed at how much my dad knew me despite my failure to deeply share my life with him. he already knew what i was struggling through and the stresses i was dealing with without me explaining anything. he understood my heart. as i re-remember that night, my eyes fill with tears and my heart is overwhelmed with this sense of gratitude to be called his daughter.

and as my heart warms to my father’s love, i couldn’t help but to think of how much greater then His love is for me. knowing now how my earthly father knew my heart without words only confirms how my heavenly Father knows me that much more. how He knows my every thought, emotion, decision, intention way before even contextualizing it for myself. how much more He will reach. how much more He will fill. how much more He will provide. how much more He is willing to die on the cross over and over again even in the midst of my never ending depravity. im blessed way beyond belief.

this has got to be one of my favorite pictures, and it comforts me because i can place myself in that boy’s shoes.