fear
-verb
1. frighten
2. to feel fear in (oneself)
3. to have reverential awe of <fear God>

What does it really mean to fear someone or something? Is it out of discomfort or dislike that we are fearful, or the fact that it is something so important in our lives that we seek its approval?

What was it about the future I feared so much when knowing that life is so short? What was it about me that I feared so much to bare myself to others? What was it about fear in it of itself that I feared? 

As I reflected on the past two weeks, a lot of deep and dirty weeds that took root in my life began to sprout up. I never really realized how lazy of a gardener I was. Too lazy in wanting to take care of my garden, of my plants, of my flowers - my heart. I was too focused and distracted by the multitude of colors every growing plant painted on the canvas of my eyes that I completely let its weed grow and take deeper root.

I was too concentrated on the situational things God was teaching and growing me in for the future that I never really tried to understand or even ask where I was growing presently. I only really cared about how I can change for tomorrow, for next year, for the future… I missed the memo God was constantly trying to send me. He wanted all of me and my changed life to start right now. 

So, how does fear have to do with any of this? I didn’t quite know either until I was able to really sit down and ask myself: what AM I fearful of? Although I could name an unending list of things that I fear, one thing I didn’t fear to its full capacity was God. I grew up knowing I had to fear Him, but to know and understand are two different lines of learning. And from there, I dug in deeper to understand what about Him I lacked fear in and of. Fear in God is an extension of our respect from Him. It is out of knowing how great He is compared to my life that this fear comes in. A fear to do everything and anything so that it would be pleasing to Him. That my life is a living declaration of wanting to live representing who He is. Did I not fully understand His greatness? Possibly. Did I not understand the extent to which He is everywhere and all knowing? Maybe. Did I place the fear of myself, the world above Him because those are so much more tangible than God’s? Perhaps. There is always tomorrow to change, right?

No. 

There is room to learn and change right now, today. Where do I go from here? Going forward. Someone reminded me the other day that God doesn’t write stories of perfection but stories of redemption. I try and fall, try and fall. But, to give up is something that I often did by masking it with thinking I succeeded. This time, it won’t be.

These are the very stories of life and hope, of freedom and celebration that testify to what’s happening within and among us, right? Let’s make another chapter in my book, then. A chapter this time about starting ground up, of revamp.

To break the chains in me, Your grace enough. Now this means love.
To see Your love unfold.